The Ugliness Inside Me

I hate it when they see the ugliness inside of me.

I hate it when I see it, too. I hate it when I feel it.

They: My family. They see it more than anyone else. My husband. He gets the brunt of it; my kids to a lesser extent, perhaps because they don’t understand it as clearly. It is my selfishness, my careless words used as barbs, my defenses that counterattack the moment they feel threatened. It lashes out and it wounds, and it is full of darkness.

I am so sorry. Please forgive me. Again.

Pencil sketch of two-sided face, one smiling and one ugly and snarling

It is ugly.

But. BUT.

I’m so grateful it isn’t the only me.

That ugliness? It’s what Paul called my “old self” (Romans 6) and it’s the part of me that was ruled by sin. The part of me that was crucified with Christ (6:6) when I was born again into God’s family (John 3:5-7). That’s the good news, folks. That old self? I will be free of it someday.

Yes, I still have human limitations. Yes, I still give in to the ugly part of me more often than I would like to admit, much more often than I wish I did. But I’m so grateful for the new self that God is growing in me, because yes, that is there too. And thanks to God’s grace, mercy, and sanctification, that is the me that will prevail. The me that loves God, is thankful for his forgiveness, and longs to do his will, his work, and glorify him with my life. To do as Paul urges us to in Romans 6:13:

… offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.

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